Short Story IV
~(The) Intelligent Fool~
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Romantic dreams; oh yes, she had them aplenty. But reality was, reality.
In order to be close to him, she knew she had given up so much. Yet, she realised she had so little to give him. And did he even want what little she offered? But she persisted, continued hoping, wishing, dreaming that someday, somehow, he would fall for her too.
Love reduces every one of us into fools-no matter who we are.
A fool that reduced herself, willingly, into a position of muted solitude.
A fool who wanted so much, yet, didn't dare to expect too much.
A fool that was constantly filled with doubt, who fretted about compatibility.
A fool that didn't want anything but him; but would not settle for anything less.
A fool that knew that love could not be forced.
Being a fool did not mean that she was not afraid of rejection. No, rejection petrified her. It merely meant that she deluded herself-even though she knew it was self delusion on her part. She continued living in her fantasy despite being aware of reality, trying her damnest to ignore the temptation to give up...
How much of a fool was she?
Oh, she knew she could be saved if she could just being herself to stab him. Alas, she was still not quite the fool. Undoubtely, she could have then returned to the sea; never to see land again if she wished. Slowly perhaps, the memory of him would become hazy, dissipating in her mind like pieces of broken coral. The pain in heart heart, dilluted by the aquamarine of the sea, would fade into a dull ache. She would learn to smile again, but can she live a life knowing that she killed him? Can she contemplate a life in which he was reduced to a mere memory, a mere forgotten memory? She was still not fool enough to want to lose all this. Was it too greedy to want to keep the memory of him forever fresh?
She did contemplate plunging the knife into his chest to get back at him for his rejection. She had raised the blade, came so close to stabbing...but what had he done wrong? If her mistake was falling for him, what was his? Does not reciprocating her feelings constitude as a sin? She was/might have been foolishly in love, but the fact was as clear to her as the light of the day.
My prince, her voice rang out in her head-do you know there are so many things I want to tell you? I was always so lonely until I met you. But i just realised how lonely I would be without you. Do you know my greatest wish is for you to be able to hear me say 'I love you'? I don't know why I fell for you. I'm tired. Tired of guessing how you feel, too scared to read too much into your words and actions...
A once in a lifetime meeting.
Can i just stay in your arms for this moment
and pretend you will never let go?
The fool in me would want it to last forever
but even foolishness has its limits.
Why then do I crave for something that I know is futile?
Do you know my prince that I want to let you go?
And I would, if I could.
If only I could bring myself to do so;
to stop clinging on to you, holding on to this dream,
this fantasy...
But I can't, not yet
I always wanted someone to love,
heart and soul.
And then I found you.
But I always assumed you would love me too
and that you were searching for me too.
She wanted to be able to cry. But all she felt was a strange sense of hollowness. Dazed, but yet surprisingly calm she was. Her grip on the blade loosened. The dagger clattered to the floor, its hilt hitting the ground with a dull thud. She stared at her prince-this was the first time she saw his sleeping countenance ; this was the last time she would ever see his face. Outside, the night was still, save the waves crashing against the shore.
Goodbye my prince, I will always miss you. I just hope that you will think of me occassionaly...But you'd probably forget about me in time to come, wouldn't you?
She closed her eyes and exhaled the breath she didn't know she was holding. Then she turned around and stepped out of the room. That was it. It was finally over.
The sun was almost rising when she reached the cliff overlooking the sea. This was where she first met him when she came on land, and this would be where she chose to leave. She sat herself on the edge. Her body on land as her toes just touched water. It was befitting to spend her last hour here-halfway in between land and sea. She realised she never really belonged to either place. Just like how she could never be the fool nor the intelligent one.
The sea breeze tossed her hair gently. She could feel the warmth of the sun's rays on her skin. She simply sat there. Passive; still; casting her gaze afar. Soon, it would be her time. The breeze picked up. Any time now...I wonder how is it like to turn into foam, she thought with a rueful smile.
Even at her last moment, she was unable to be oblivious.
=) | Monday, January 21, 2008 at 12:36 AM |
